One day a pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
Hard disk reading General
BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Dreaded tech support replies
"Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
"That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
"So -- what are you wearing?"
"Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
"Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
"Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
"We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
"In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
"Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
"Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
"Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
"That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
"So -- what are you wearing?"
"Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
"Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
"Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
"We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
"In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
"Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
"Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
"Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
Perfect child Perfect wife
There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it.
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it.
Three types of men
A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.
A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.
A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.
A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.
Clever offender
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"
Wife's cat
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Ann, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put him on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Ann, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put him on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
The cupboard kid
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here. The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "OK How much this time?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for and to whom?"
The boy says, "To a friend of mine for $1,000."
The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that". "That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here".
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my effing cupboard now"!!
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, "Dark in here. The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "OK How much this time?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for and to whom?"
The boy says, "To a friend of mine for $1,000."
The father says, "That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that". "That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here".
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my effing cupboard now"!!
Virgin boy!
Son comes home all excited and says to his dad:
"Dad, dad, I just lost my virginity!"
Dad says:"All right son sit down and we'll have a man to man talk."
Son says:"I can't. My butt hurts too much."
"Dad, dad, I just lost my virginity!"
Dad says:"All right son sit down and we'll have a man to man talk."
Son says:"I can't. My butt hurts too much."
Wife which could not be pleased
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a marriage with equal roles for equal partners.
So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn’t impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, “Poached? I wanted scrambled!”
Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg.
Jill wasn’t having any of it. “Do you think I don’t like variety? I wanted poached this morning!”
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, “third time’s a charm” and brought her two eggs — one scrambled and one poached.
“Here, my love, enjoy!”
Jill looks at the plate and says, “You scrambled the wrong egg.”
So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn’t impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, “Poached? I wanted scrambled!”
Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg.
Jill wasn’t having any of it. “Do you think I don’t like variety? I wanted poached this morning!”
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, “third time’s a charm” and brought her two eggs — one scrambled and one poached.
“Here, my love, enjoy!”
Jill looks at the plate and says, “You scrambled the wrong egg.”
Eye drops for horny women
A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his Irish assistant Paddy., "I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.
The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: "So, Paddy, how was your day?"
Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol."
"Bravo Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin".
"Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I haven't seen a man!'"
"Good God?" says the doctor."What did you do?"
"I put some eye drops in her eyes!"
"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.
The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: "So, Paddy, how was your day?"
Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol."
"Bravo Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin".
"Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I haven't seen a man!'"
"Good God?" says the doctor."What did you do?"
"I put some eye drops in her eyes!"
The heavenly spelldown
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?", the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.
"Which word?", her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?", the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.
"Which word?", her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
The new Pepsi beverage
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", highballs"and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
"MOUNT & DO."
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", highballs"and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
"MOUNT & DO."
Get TV for a husband
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!"
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!"
Churchill humor
Churchill: "Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?"
Socialite: "My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course…"
Churchill: "Would you sleep with me for five pounds?"
Socialite: "Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!"
Churchill: "Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price."
Socialite: "My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course…"
Churchill: "Would you sleep with me for five pounds?"
Socialite: "Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!"
Churchill: "Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price."
Revenge of the wife
There was a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
Bush's intelligence
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"
Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"
The friendly neighborhood
A successful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoof beats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse.
"Hold it neighbor" says the man, "I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only six miles from here, and I want to invite you to a welcome party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting... We'll have a great time."
Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, "How should I dress?"
"Aw, it don't matter," replied the neighbor, "Only gonna be two of us."
"Hold it neighbor" says the man, "I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only six miles from here, and I want to invite you to a welcome party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting... We'll have a great time."
Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, "How should I dress?"
"Aw, it don't matter," replied the neighbor, "Only gonna be two of us."
The railroad booty
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"
"Dunno..." the ugly man says. "Never found the head!"
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"
"Dunno..." the ugly man says. "Never found the head!"
Undertaker's bills
This guy's father dies, so he goes to the undertaker and tells him he wants the best of everything for his father.
The man gets really sick the day of the funeral, however, and is unable to attend.
The next day, he gets a bill for $16,000. He pays it. The next month, he gets another bill for $85. He figures it's just a little supplementary bill, so he pays that, too.
Next month, another bill for $85 arrives, so he calls up the undertaker and says, "I keep getting these bills for $85 dollars. I thought I paid for the funeral already."
The undertaker says, "Well, you said you wanted the best for your father, so I rented him a tux."
The man gets really sick the day of the funeral, however, and is unable to attend.
The next day, he gets a bill for $16,000. He pays it. The next month, he gets another bill for $85. He figures it's just a little supplementary bill, so he pays that, too.
Next month, another bill for $85 arrives, so he calls up the undertaker and says, "I keep getting these bills for $85 dollars. I thought I paid for the funeral already."
The undertaker says, "Well, you said you wanted the best for your father, so I rented him a tux."
The freewheeler
The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.
“I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and
move them as though he were riding a bicycle,” he explained.
“Now begin!”
After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.
“Why did you stop. Smith?” demanded the officer.
“If you please, sir,” said Smith, “I’m freewheeling for a while.”
“I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and
move them as though he were riding a bicycle,” he explained.
“Now begin!”
After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.
“Why did you stop. Smith?” demanded the officer.
“If you please, sir,” said Smith, “I’m freewheeling for a while.”
Sons with same names
A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, "Leroy". "Yes", she replied, "All three sons are named Leroy."
"Why would you do that?", inquired the government worker.
"It makes it much easier to get things done.", was her reply. "Leroy, time for bath." And they all would get in the bath. "Leroy, time for supper." And they all would come to the table.
Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.
"Oh that's easy", she replied. "I just call them by their last name."
"Why would you do that?", inquired the government worker.
"It makes it much easier to get things done.", was her reply. "Leroy, time for bath." And they all would get in the bath. "Leroy, time for supper." And they all would come to the table.
Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.
"Oh that's easy", she replied. "I just call them by their last name."
The ultimate Super Bowl fan
A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.
The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”
The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”
“Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”
Moral of the story is.....
Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one.
The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched."
Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands."
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't f**k with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched."
Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands."
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't f**k with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
How to get free drinks?
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one dollar.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamison Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in. We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their drinks.
Then Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o' this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamison Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in. We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their drinks.
Then Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o' this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
Just say 123
A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.
That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.
He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffer ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"
With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more sex and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.
That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.
He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffer ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"
Latest research on jokes reading habits
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read jokes with their hand on the mouse.
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Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late... .
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Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late... .
Punishment for swearing
A vicar was playing golf with a friend who missed a three foot shot saying "dammit, missed the bugger." at which the vicar tutted.
At the next hole he missed again and said "dammit missed the bugger."
The vicar turned on him saying "if you swear again God will send down a thunderbolt and strike you down."
At the next hole John missed a two putt and cursed "dammit missed the bugger."
Seconds later the heavens opened, there was a loud clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning struck the vicar.
"Dammit, missed the bugger." God said.
At the next hole he missed again and said "dammit missed the bugger."
The vicar turned on him saying "if you swear again God will send down a thunderbolt and strike you down."
At the next hole John missed a two putt and cursed "dammit missed the bugger."
Seconds later the heavens opened, there was a loud clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning struck the vicar.
"Dammit, missed the bugger." God said.
Getting Pearly Mae pregnant!
A farmer got in his pickup truck and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 yrs old opened the door.
"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Mom here?"
"No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Mom here?"
"No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
Mother vs girlfriend
A mother makes her son "INTELLIGENT" in 20 years, but a girl makes him "STUPID" in 2 minutes.
Arguing with a girl is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. After some time, u realize that u r getting dirty, but the pig is actually enjoying.
Boys go to college to develop the mind; girls go to college to catch them before this happens.
Arguing with a girl is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. After some time, u realize that u r getting dirty, but the pig is actually enjoying.
Boys go to college to develop the mind; girls go to college to catch them before this happens.
Lady with no enemies
The preacher’s Sunday sermon was, “Forgive Your Enemies.” He asked all present how many have forgiven their enemies.
About half held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
Now about 80 percent held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
All responded, except one elderly lady.
“Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-three.” She replied.
“Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, “It’s easy, I just outlived all those bitches.
About half held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
Now about 80 percent held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
All responded, except one elderly lady.
“Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-three.” She replied.
“Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, “It’s easy, I just outlived all those bitches.
Friendship's : Men vs Women
Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend’s house. The husband calls his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband’s 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he is still there.
Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband’s 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he is still there.
I know how to handle a blond
In a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first-class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first-class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first-class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first-class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally persuaded her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first-class section wasn't going to New York."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first-class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first-class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally persuaded her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first-class section wasn't going to New York."
Mom's fur coat
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat.
"This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me."
The daughter nods in agreement.
"And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."
The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
"This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me."
The daughter nods in agreement.
"And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."
The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
How many men are controlled by their wives?
Men and women on earth die and go to heaven.
God comes and says :-
"I want the men to form two queues, one line for the men who had control over their women, and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk."
Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were controlled by their women is 100 miles long, and in the line of men who had control over their women there is only one man.
God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all controlled by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"
"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
God comes and says :-
"I want the men to form two queues, one line for the men who had control over their women, and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk."
Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were controlled by their women is 100 miles long, and in the line of men who had control over their women there is only one man.
God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all controlled by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!"
"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
A chocolate as tooth filling
A little boy was taken to the dentist.
It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.
"Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.
It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.
"Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.
The folding bucket
I went to the US Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"
"A Fottle."
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?"
"A Farton."
She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
The young old man
A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long, happy life?"
"I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long, happy life?"
"I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."
I was naked
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
Scotty's practical joke
I love animals, they taste great.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
What’s a twelve-pack for?
Standing near the check out stand at a local drug store, a boy spotted a display of condoms. “Hey Dad, what’s a three-pack for?” asked the boy. “Those are for the weekend. Two for Friday night, and one for Saturday,” replied the father.
“Then Dad, what’s a six-pack for?” asked the son.”That’s when she moves in with you.Two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“Then Dad, what’s a twelve-pack for?” “That’s for when you’re married. One for January, one for February, one for … “
“Then Dad, what’s a six-pack for?” asked the son.”That’s when she moves in with you.Two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“Then Dad, what’s a twelve-pack for?” “That’s for when you’re married. One for January, one for February, one for … “
The weak eyed golfer
JACK wearily trudged into the house and laid down his bag of golf clubs. "How was your game, darling?" asked his wife, Betty.
"Ach, I was hitting the ball well enough," sighed Jack. "But the thing is, my eyesight's got so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"Well, you're 75 years old, Jack," said Betty. "You can't expect everything to be like it was. Why don't you take my brother Tommy along?" "But he's 85 and he doesn't play golf any more," protested Jack.
"No, but he's got perfect eyesight," Betty pointed out. "He can watch the ball for you."
So the next day, Jack teed off with Tommy looking on.
Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yep," Tommy answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I've forgotten," said Tommy.
"Ach, I was hitting the ball well enough," sighed Jack. "But the thing is, my eyesight's got so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"Well, you're 75 years old, Jack," said Betty. "You can't expect everything to be like it was. Why don't you take my brother Tommy along?" "But he's 85 and he doesn't play golf any more," protested Jack.
"No, but he's got perfect eyesight," Betty pointed out. "He can watch the ball for you."
So the next day, Jack teed off with Tommy looking on.
Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yep," Tommy answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I've forgotten," said Tommy.
The man from balcony
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."
Whats SEX?
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, 'Mom, what's sex?'
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, 'Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?'
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, 'Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?'
Confused Yamraj
A man died and went to into the skies. Yamraj met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, 'Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you - we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?'
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, 'Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of goons. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the gang. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!'
'I'm impressed,' Yamraj responded, 'When did this happen?'
'About two minutes ago,' came the reply.
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, 'Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of goons. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the gang. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!'
'I'm impressed,' Yamraj responded, 'When did this happen?'
'About two minutes ago,' came the reply.
Vasectomy
One day, after Laloo Yadav had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, 'You had a great check-up. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?'
'Well,' he said, 'I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.'
'That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?'
'Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2.'
'Well,' he said, 'I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.'
'That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?'
'Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2.'
Wife's Birthday
A man complained to his coworker that he didn't know what to get his wife for her birthday. 'She already has everything you could think of, and she can buy herself whatever she likes.'
'Here's an idea,' said the colleague. 'Make up your own gift certificate that says, 'Thirty minutes of great loving, any way you want it.' I guarantee she'll be enchanted.'
The next day, the colleague asked, 'Well? Did you take my suggestion?'
'Yes,' replied the man.
'Did she like it?'
'Oh, yes! She jumped up kissed me on the forehead, and ran out of the door yelling, 'See you in 30 minutes!''
'Here's an idea,' said the colleague. 'Make up your own gift certificate that says, 'Thirty minutes of great loving, any way you want it.' I guarantee she'll be enchanted.'
The next day, the colleague asked, 'Well? Did you take my suggestion?'
'Yes,' replied the man.
'Did she like it?'
'Oh, yes! She jumped up kissed me on the forehead, and ran out of the door yelling, 'See you in 30 minutes!''
48 hours left
A man got a call from his doctor who said 'I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first?'The man says 'The bad news.'
The doctor says 'The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!'
The man exclaimed 'What could be more terrible than that!!??'The doctor replied 'we tried all day yesterday to get hold of you but your phone was busy!'
The doctor says 'The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have 48 hours to live!'
The man exclaimed 'What could be more terrible than that!!??'The doctor replied 'we tried all day yesterday to get hold of you but your phone was busy!'
Full cup of Tea
Each morning the man was enraged that the tea cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the tea delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the man's yelling and insults produced a full cup of tea, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less tea.
The next morning he was greeted with a cup of tea that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The man couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
'Oh, there's not much to it,' admitted the clerk happily, 'I take some tea in my mouth right outside the kitchen, and spit it back in when I get outside your office!'
None of the man's yelling and insults produced a full cup of tea, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less tea.
The next morning he was greeted with a cup of tea that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The man couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
'Oh, there's not much to it,' admitted the clerk happily, 'I take some tea in my mouth right outside the kitchen, and spit it back in when I get outside your office!'
24 hours left
A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have sex with him because he only had 24 hours to live.
'Of course Darling.' she replied. And so they have sex.
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, 'you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?'
Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, 'You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?'
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, 'Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?'
Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, 'You know.. you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!'
'Of course Darling.' she replied. And so they have sex.
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again, and says, 'you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?'
Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have sex.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion, he taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, 'You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?'
By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.
After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, 'Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?'
Well, she turns to him with a grimaced look on her face and says, 'You know.. you don't have to get up in the morning. I do!!!'
Santa Singh MBBS
A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet, Dr Santa Singh, who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.
'Are you sure?', the distraught woman asked. 'He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?'
Dr Santa Singh paused for a moment and said, 'There is one more thing we can do.' He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.
'Well, that confirms it.' the vet announced. 'Your dog is dead.'
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, 'How much do I owe you?'
'That will be Rs.1100.' the vet replied.
'I don't believe it!!!', screamed the woman. 'What did you do that cost Rs.1100?
'Well', Dr Santa Singh replied, 'it's Rs.100 for the office visit and Rs.1000 for the cat-scan.'
'Are you sure?', the distraught woman asked. 'He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?'
Dr Santa Singh paused for a moment and said, 'There is one more thing we can do.' He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.
'Well, that confirms it.' the vet announced. 'Your dog is dead.'
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, 'How much do I owe you?'
'That will be Rs.1100.' the vet replied.
'I don't believe it!!!', screamed the woman. 'What did you do that cost Rs.1100?
'Well', Dr Santa Singh replied, 'it's Rs.100 for the office visit and Rs.1000 for the cat-scan.'
Where is the Rubber?
A man, his wife, and their eight children were waiting at a bus stop. Not long after, a blind man joins the group.
The bus arrives. The blind man and the husband are forced to walk because there's just no more room on the bus.
As they walk together, the tapping of the blind man's cane starts to irritate the other man. Finally, the man says, 'You know, that's pretty irritating. Why don't you put a rubber on the end of that stick?'
The blind man retorts: 'If you'd put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be on that bus.'
The bus arrives. The blind man and the husband are forced to walk because there's just no more room on the bus.
As they walk together, the tapping of the blind man's cane starts to irritate the other man. Finally, the man says, 'You know, that's pretty irritating. Why don't you put a rubber on the end of that stick?'
The blind man retorts: 'If you'd put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be on that bus.'
Packing your bags?
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. 'Where are you going?' he asked.
'To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!'
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.
'What do you think you are doing?' she screamed.
'Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!'
'To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!'
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.
'What do you think you are doing?' she screamed.
'Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!'
Santa at a Bar
Santa Singh walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs him that he's too drunk and he could not serve him anything.
Santa is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the Santa Singh stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and asks him to leave.
Santa looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and if he doesn't leave he would call the police!
Santa looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries 'MAN! How many bars do you work at?'
Santa is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the Santa Singh stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and asks him to leave.
Santa looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and if he doesn't leave he would call the police!
Santa looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries 'MAN! How many bars do you work at?'
A dog with one eye
Laloo and Rabri Devi were walking down the road when Rabri turns to Laloo and says, 'Hey look at that dog with one eye!'
Laloo covers up one of his eyes and says, 'Where?'
Laloo covers up one of his eyes and says, 'Where?'
Little Lalloo
Little Lalloo was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. 'Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?' he asked his mother.
'He thinks a lot,' replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Or she was until little Lalloo thought for a second and asked, 'So why do you have so much hair?'
'He thinks a lot,' replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.
Or she was until little Lalloo thought for a second and asked, 'So why do you have so much hair?'
Santa and Banta's Bank Robbery
Santa and Banta Singh rob a bank and mess it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor. And they take one sack each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, 'What did you find in your sack?'
'Ten lakh Rupees!'
'Wow... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?'
'I bought a house. How about your sack?'
'Bah... it was full of bills.'
'And what did you do with them?'
'Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...'
'Ten lakh Rupees!'
'Wow... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?'
'I bought a house. How about your sack?'
'Bah... it was full of bills.'
'And what did you do with them?'
'Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...'
Missed the Train
Three professors had walked down to the train station from the University. They were so absorbed in their conversation that they didn't hear the train arrive, but they did notice the noise of the train as it started to depart.
After a desperate rush two of them manage to scramble onboard. The third looked sad and a passing railway official said, 'Don't feel bad, atleast two out of three of you made it.'
'True…', sighed the professor, 'But the other two were only here to see me off!'
After a desperate rush two of them manage to scramble onboard. The third looked sad and a passing railway official said, 'Don't feel bad, atleast two out of three of you made it.'
'True…', sighed the professor, 'But the other two were only here to see me off!'
Keep your husband Fit
A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said: 'If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.
6. Don't discuss your problems with him.
7. And most importantly, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.'
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. 'You're going to die' she replied.
He said: 'If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.
6. Don't discuss your problems with him.
7. And most importantly, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.'
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. 'You're going to die' she replied.
Lipstick Mystery
'Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?' the suspicious wife sneered.
'No, I can't,' the husband replied. 'I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.'
'No, I can't,' the husband replied. 'I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.'
Sore Throat
A man with a terrible sore throat walks into a pharmacy and asks the chemist if he can give him something to relieve it, and the chemist says: 'Well, I could give you any number of things but they won't really do you much good. However, I can tell you what I do when I have a bad sore throat like you have.'
'Really? What's that?' asks the man.
'I go straight home and have sex with my wife. I suggest you try that.'
'Sounds great!' says the man, 'Is your wife home now?'
'Really? What's that?' asks the man.
'I go straight home and have sex with my wife. I suggest you try that.'
'Sounds great!' says the man, 'Is your wife home now?'
Ghanta Singh's Beer
Ghanta Singh was drinking at a bar and the bartender came over to tell him he had a telephone call. Ghanta had just bought another large beer and he didn't want anyone to drink it. So, he wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that said: 'I spit in my beer.'
When Ghanta Singh returned to the his bar stool there was another note beside his beer:
'I spit in your beer too!'
When Ghanta Singh returned to the his bar stool there was another note beside his beer:
'I spit in your beer too!'
Santa Maths
Little Santa Singh was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Santa down & enrolled him in the local Christian Missionary School.
After the first day, little Santa comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Santa is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Santa brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Santa got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity.
She goes to his room and says: 'Santa, what was it? Was it the nuns?'
Little Santa looks at her and shakes his head.
'Well then', she replies, 'was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?'
Little Santa looks at her and says, 'Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I realised what they do those who don't do well in Maths.'
After the first day, little Santa comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Santa is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Santa brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Santa got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity.
She goes to his room and says: 'Santa, what was it? Was it the nuns?'
Little Santa looks at her and shakes his head.
'Well then', she replies, 'was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?'
Little Santa looks at her and says, 'Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I realised what they do those who don't do well in Maths.'
Friendship Quotes
"True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom known until it be lost."
- Charles Caleb Colton
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin
"My friends are my estate."
- Emily Dickinson
"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."
"A friend is one who walks in when others walk out"
-Walter Winchell
"A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be anywhere else."
- Len Wein - Sent by Paulo Louro
"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."
"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself."
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Walk beside me and be my friend."
- Albert Camus (also attributed to Maimonidies).
"A hug is worth a thousand words. A friend is worth more."
"Everyone is a friend, until they prove otherwise."
"Every person is a new door to a different world."
- from movie "Six Degrees of Seperation"
"Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you."
- Elbert Hubard
"I get by with a little help from my friends."
- John Lennon
"Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up."
- Bible: Ecclesiastes
"Two may talk together under the same roof for many years, yet never really meet; and two others at first speech are old friends."
- Mary Catherwood
"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."
- C. S. Lewis
"I might give my life for my friend, but he had better not ask me to do up a parcel."
- Logan Pearsall Smith
"Friends are the most important ingredient in this recipe of life."
- (sent by Dior Yamasaki)
"The better part of one's life consists of his friendships."
- Abraham Lincoln, (sent by Heather Myers)
"The love of my life is the love between friends."
"One's best friend is oneself."
"A Friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway!!!"
"To be depressed is to be lonely; to have a friend is to be happy..."
- Guido
1) "Make new friends and keep the old, one is silver and the other gold"
2) "Make new friends, both young and old, one in Silver, the other Gold."
3) "Make new friends but keep the old, some are silver and others are Gold"
4}"I have a hand, and you have another; put them together and we have each other."
"Strangers are just friends waiting to happen."
"Sometimes you pick your friends, sometimes they pick you."
"The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but to reveal to him, his own."
-Benjamin Disraeli
"Though our communication wanes at times of absence, I'm aware of a strength that emanates in the background."
-Claudette Renner
"I can trust my friends. These people force me to examine, encourage me to grow."
-Cher
"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being."
-Goethe
"Friendship is a pretty full-time occupation if you really are friendly with somebody. You canÃt have too many friends because then youÃre just not really friends."
"No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever."
- Francois Mocuriac -
"Give others freedom to be themselves. Appreciate the differences between their ways an yours."
"Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life."
- "Pizza Place Sign"
"Friendship is one mind in two bodies."
- Mencius
"Truth and tears clear the way to a deep and lasting friendship."
"True friendship is never serene."
- Mariede Svign
"Friendship: a building contract you sign with laughter and break with tears."
"Friends are God's way of taking care of us."
"It's the friends you can call up at 4am that matter."
- Marlene Dietrick
"A friend is a gift you give yourself."
- Robert Louis Stevenson, (sent by Julio Fung)
"Friend - a person known well to another and regarded with liking, affection and loyalty."
- Collins English Dictionary
"A new friendship is like an unripened fruit - it may become either an orange or a lemon"
- Emma Stacey
"Anybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathise with a friend's success."
- Oscar Wilde
"Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch'd, unfledg'd comrade."
- William Shakespeare
"Friendship with oneself is all-important because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world."
- Eleanor Roosevelt
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
- Mother Teresa
"I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody."
- Benjamin Franklin
"Misfortune shows those who are not really friends."
- Aristotle
"Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with."
- Mark Twain
"Thus nature has no love for solitude, and always leans, as it were, on some support; and the sweetest support is found in the most intimate friendship."
- Cicero
"Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind."
- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"The best mirror is an old friend."
- George Herbert
"What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies."
- Aristotle
"The friendship that can cease has never been real."
- Saint Jerome
"I count myselt in nothing else so happy
As in a soul rememb'ring my good friends."
- William Shakespeare
"I find friendship to be like wine, raw when new, ripened with age, the true old man's milk and restorative cordial."
- Thomas Jefferson
"Sir, more than kisses, letters, mingle souls;
For, thus friends absent speak."
- John Donne
"Too late we learn, a man must hold his friend
Unjudged, accepted, trusted to the end."
- John Boyle O'Reilly
"Friends have all things in common."
- Plato
"Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods."
- Artistotle
"My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me."
- Henry Ford
"What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity. They are but trifles, to be sure but, scattered along life's pathway, the good they do is inconceivable."
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
- George Eliot
"It is a sweet thing, friendship, a dear balm,
A happy and auspicious bird of calm..."
- Shelly
"The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away."
- Wilson Mizner
"The happiest moments my heart knows are those in which it is pouring forth its affections to a few esteemed characters."
- Thomas Jefferson
"One can never speak enough of the virtues, the dangers, the power of shared laughter."
- Francoise Sagan
"Friendship is always a sweet responsibilty, never an oppourtunity."
- Kahil Gibran
"There is magic in the memory of schoolboy friendships; it softens the heart, and even affects the nervous system of those who have no heart."
- Bejamin Disraeli
"I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends."
- Walt Whitman
"True friendship is never serene."
- Marquise de Sevigne
"When friends stop being frank and useful to each other, the whole world loses some of its radiance."
- Anatole Broyard
"Friends are born, not made."
- Henry Adams
"This communicating of a man's self to his friend works two contrary effects; for it redoubleth joy, and cutteth griefs in half."
- Francis Bacon
"Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends whom we choose."
- Tehyi Hsieh
"There is no hope of joy except in human relations."
- Antoine de Sainte-Exupery
"The making of friends, who are real friends, is the best token we have of a man's success in life."
- Edward Everett Hale
"Except in cases of necessity, which are rare, leave your friend to learn unpleasant things from his enemies; they are ready enough to tell them."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
"The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this?"
- Henry David Thoreau
"Friendship that flows from the heart cannot be frozen by adversity, as the water that flows from the spring cannogt congeal in winter."
- James Fenimore Cooper
"Friendship without self interest is one of the rare and beautiful things in life."
- James Francis Byrnes
"Never kiss a friend. If you have deeper feelings, never reveal them. You will lose that friend forever..."
"Do not save your loving speeches
For your friends till they are dead;
Do not write them on their tombstones,
Speak them rather now instead.
- Anna Cummins
"True friendship's laws are by this rule express'd,
Welcome the coming, speed the parting guest."
- Alexander Pope
"Best friends are like diamonds, precious and rare
False friends are like leaves, found everywhere."
- Anoymous
"Every man should have a fair-sized cemetary in which to bury the faults of his friends."
- Henry Brooks Adams
"We are all angels with only one wing...we can fly only embracing each other."
"If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them"
"A good friend is hard to find, hard to lose, and impossible to forget..."
"Time isn't what makes a friendship last...It's love and devotion that keeps the tie between souls."
"The best antiques are old friends."
The next five quotes were sent in by Ashley "When the silences are no longer akward, you know you are around friends."
"Friendship is a special kind of love."
"The secret to friendship is being a good listener."
"A true friend is someone you can trust with all your secrets."
"Gems may be presious, but friends are priceless."
"You my friend, I wiil defend. And if we change, we'll love you anyway."
"If you have more than one friend, you have more than your share!"
"Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say."
"A person is only complete when she has a true friend to understand her, to share all her passions and sorrows with, and to stand by her throughout her life."
"Material things can't make the soul whole. The only the love, trust, and loyalty of friends can do that."
"Friendship is not friendship without trust, without it I walk alone."
- James P. Michels Jr.
"Friendship is the golden ribbon that ties the world together."
friendship is talking to your best friend without words."
"A true friend is the one who knows more about you than yourself and still loves you"
The next three sent in by Irma Berbis
"Friendship is the golden thread that ties all hearts together"
"Money might make you wealthy, but friends makes you rich."
"You don't make friends, you earn them."
"When your looking for a friend don't look for perfection, just look for friendship."
" A friend is someone who sticks (hangs) to you at all times, and a friend is someone who you trust...."
"How do you know you've found your best friend. When you are ready to talk to them about anything, even though they know everything about you already."
"A friend with break your heart, a friend will mend it, a friend will provide you with every feeling in the world, good and bad. A friend is emotion incarnate."
"Yesterday brought the beginning, tomorrow brings the end, but somewhere in the middle we've become best of friends."
"When we are grown, we'll smile and say we had no cares in childhoods day, but we'll be wrong. 'Twill not be true, I've this much care... I care for you."
"A faithful friend is a strong defence and he that hath found one hath found a treasure"
"Friends are those who norish the spirit"
"I'd like to be the sort of friend that you have been to me. I'd like to be the help that you've been always glad to be; I'd like to mean as much to you each minute of the day, as you have meant, old friend of mine, to me along the way."
- Edgar A. Guest
"A friend loves you, makes you feel alright, troubles are not troubles when you talk, listen and accept you as you are, because you will feel the same and love the same......."
"Try to be governed by your loves and not your hates and find goodness and beauty where you can."
"It is better to be thought of as a fool, rather than open your mouth to remove all doubt."
Keep your eyes upon me, keep me in your sight, Help me don the crooked road, lead me to the light. The road I'm on is dark, I'm not sure if I know the way, Yet with you right beside me, I'm certain I won't stray. Protect me from the world, I know we'll make it through, Give me all the strength I need..... Let me lean on you."
- Megan Stroup
"No lapse of time or distance of place can lessen the friendship of those who are truly persuaded of each other's worth."
- Unknown
"Friendship is what gets you through the bad times and helps you enjoy the good times"
"Friends are angels following you through life"
"Friends are like pillars on your porch. Sometimes they hold you up and sometimes they lean on you."
"You cannot say you've lost a friend. If a friendship is capable of ending, it is because it never existed."
Taj Mahal makes it to the new 7 Wonders
July 09: India’s pride and symbol of love and passion, Taj Mahal finally get the position among the new seven wonders as it deserves. The unofficially declaration held in a crowded soccer stadium at Lisbon in Portugal on 07.07.07 Saturday night. It joined the other six greatest monuments including ‘Great wall of China’ and Peru’s Machu Picchu.
More than 100 million voters voted for this contest, said organizers on Saturday night. Taj Mahal joined the three Asian and two Latin American monuments along with only one European wonder. The Asian wonders are: ‘Taj Mahal’ of India, ‘Great Wall of China’ and ‘Petra’ of Jordan while in the Latin American monuments, ‘Chichen Itza’ of Mexico, ‘Christ Redeemer’ of Brazil and ‘Machu Picchu’ of Peru could get place in the list. ‘The Roman Colloseum’ of Italy is a single monument of Europe could able to get listed in the new wonders list.
Millions of people along with presented audience were cheered when Hollywood’s actor Ben Kingsley announced the list. The ceremony was live telecasted across the world. These new wonders replace the old wonders selected by Greek Scholars more than 2,000 years ago. The old wonders were: ‘The Hanging Gardens’ of Babylon, ‘The Statue of Zeus’ at Olympia, ‘The Temple of Artemis’ at Ephesus, ‘The Mausoleum’ at Halicarnassus, ‘The Colossus’ of Rhodes, ‘The Lighthouse’ of Alexandria and ‘The Great Pyramid’ at Giza, Egypt in which only the Giza’s Pyramid is still in existence and the organizers have honoured it by giving a special category of wonder.
Though, UNESCO has already told in its own website that there is no relationship of this poll and its result with ‘UNESCO’s World Heritage sites’, neither these monuments are officially accepted as the criteria and process are unscientific and un-educative. Still it is a matter of pride for the countries which monuments have been selected.
Many Indians expressed their joy after the final results. Venugopal Dhoot, President of ‘The Associated Chambers of Commerce and Industry said, “This will give a new impetus to the tourism industry in the country” while A.G. K. Menon, the Delhi Chapter Convenor of the Indian National Trust for Art and Cultural Heritage (INTACH), said, “I over joy the result but I have no doubt regarding the beauty of Taj. The Taj has always been the most visited and most popular Indian tourist destination. People abroad consider the monument synonymous with India.” Mr. Menon call the voting procedure a “publicity stunt”, but he warned to the government and administration that the number of tourist may exceed many times that can create problem to handle them.
On the other hand, Ajai Agrawal, the president of Taj Conservation Committee was extremely happy with the results and asked to set up an international airport at Agra for the comfort of the visitors.
Swiss millionaire Bernard Weber initiated this campaign in 1999 and the process of global voting begins in late 2005. Every people across the world had right to cast a vote by phone or over the Internet or via sms to pick modern-day Seven Wonders of the World from the list of 20 monuments.
Transformers - The Game
Activision's next summer blockbuster arrives with a bang. Transformers fans weren't eager to embrace the movie when it was first announced but subsequent trailers have warmed them up to the idea. It's gone from "Why bother?" to one of the summer's most anticipated movies. But it wouldn't be a summer blockbuster without a big game attached. Thankfully, Activision and Traveller's Tales have filled the void.
Transformers' story is apparently loosely based on the movie, which is in turned based on the Transformers universe. It tells the battle between two transforming machines, the Autobots (good) and Decepticons (bad). Their battle has moved on to Earth where something called Allspark is now found. Both groups anxiously want to take control of the device and desperately want to make sure it doesn't fall in the hands of the other side. The story works out well and begins with an excellent CGI introduction by Blur Studios and manages to hold your attention.
Transformers lets you choose which side you want to play as, either the Autobots or the Decepticons. The game lets you switch between both sides easily and has a separate storyline, written by the movie's author, for each side. If you play as the Autobots, you’ll take control of Optimus Prime, Bumblebee and company as you try to find the AllSpark and save humanity. The Decepticons simply want to destroy the Autobots and take control of the AllSpark. The game lets you roam around the city looking for new missions. Transformers doesn't break new ground with its mission design. The missions are generally simple. You're trying to find or collect something, rescue someone, destroy a particular enemy, or compete in a race. As with other movie licenses, Traveller's Tales included a number of new characters to beef up the storyline. The PC version supports the Xbox 360 controller, although the game is still plenty playable with a keyboard and mouse.
Transformers does include a good amount of unlockable, bonus content. By completing certain objectives and chapters, you'll be able to unlock playable characters, movie trailers, and artwork. The core storylines take four-to-five hours a piece, but the unlockable content does a good job at increasing the replay value of the game.
The game's graphics are great. Traveller's Tales worked with CGI house Industrial Light & Magic, which worked on the film, and was granted access to the character models used in the movie. The result is fantastically detailed characters. You can see every moving part and see how they actually transform from vehicles to robots. The environments don't quite share the same level of detail but do end up looking pretty good thanks in large part to the game's great lighting effects (which are just a touch better on Xbox 360). The game does have quite a few framedrops on PS3 and Xbox 360, some of which are quite bad, but those are not frequent enough to tangibly affect the gameplay.
The sound package is even more impressive. Activision managed to get the key cast members like Megan Fox, Keith David and Shia Lebeouf in the game, in addition to Peter Cullen and Frank Welker, who were the original voices of Optimus Prime and Megatron. The soundtrack is mostly comprised of modern rock songs, which is in sync with what we expect from the movie. The game's various sound effects, especially the explosions, are all good.
Transformers doesn't make any radical changes to the classic action game genre, but it does have likeable characters and top-notch production values, coupled with enjoyable gameplay. For a Transformers fan, that's more than enough. Your new summer blockbuster has arrived.
Transformers' story is apparently loosely based on the movie, which is in turned based on the Transformers universe. It tells the battle between two transforming machines, the Autobots (good) and Decepticons (bad). Their battle has moved on to Earth where something called Allspark is now found. Both groups anxiously want to take control of the device and desperately want to make sure it doesn't fall in the hands of the other side. The story works out well and begins with an excellent CGI introduction by Blur Studios and manages to hold your attention.
Transformers lets you choose which side you want to play as, either the Autobots or the Decepticons. The game lets you switch between both sides easily and has a separate storyline, written by the movie's author, for each side. If you play as the Autobots, you’ll take control of Optimus Prime, Bumblebee and company as you try to find the AllSpark and save humanity. The Decepticons simply want to destroy the Autobots and take control of the AllSpark. The game lets you roam around the city looking for new missions. Transformers doesn't break new ground with its mission design. The missions are generally simple. You're trying to find or collect something, rescue someone, destroy a particular enemy, or compete in a race. As with other movie licenses, Traveller's Tales included a number of new characters to beef up the storyline. The PC version supports the Xbox 360 controller, although the game is still plenty playable with a keyboard and mouse.
Transformers does include a good amount of unlockable, bonus content. By completing certain objectives and chapters, you'll be able to unlock playable characters, movie trailers, and artwork. The core storylines take four-to-five hours a piece, but the unlockable content does a good job at increasing the replay value of the game.
The game's graphics are great. Traveller's Tales worked with CGI house Industrial Light & Magic, which worked on the film, and was granted access to the character models used in the movie. The result is fantastically detailed characters. You can see every moving part and see how they actually transform from vehicles to robots. The environments don't quite share the same level of detail but do end up looking pretty good thanks in large part to the game's great lighting effects (which are just a touch better on Xbox 360). The game does have quite a few framedrops on PS3 and Xbox 360, some of which are quite bad, but those are not frequent enough to tangibly affect the gameplay.
The sound package is even more impressive. Activision managed to get the key cast members like Megan Fox, Keith David and Shia Lebeouf in the game, in addition to Peter Cullen and Frank Welker, who were the original voices of Optimus Prime and Megatron. The soundtrack is mostly comprised of modern rock songs, which is in sync with what we expect from the movie. The game's various sound effects, especially the explosions, are all good.
Transformers doesn't make any radical changes to the classic action game genre, but it does have likeable characters and top-notch production values, coupled with enjoyable gameplay. For a Transformers fan, that's more than enough. Your new summer blockbuster has arrived.
Current INSAT Image
About INSAT:
INSAT or the Indian National Satellite System is a series of multipurpose Geo-Stationary satellites launched by ISRO to satisfy the telecommunications, broadcasting, meteorology, and "search and rescue" needs of India. Commissioned in 1983, INSAT is the largest domestic communication system in the Asia-Pacific Region. Active satellites of this series include INSAT-2E, INSAT-3A, INSAT-3B, INSAT-3C, INSAT-3E, KALPANA-1 (METSAT), GSAT-2, EDUSAT (GSAT-3) and INSAT-4A. INSAT satellites provide transponders (about 150) in various bands (C, S, Extended C and Ku) to serve the television and communication needs of India. Some of the satellites also have the Very High Resolution Radiometer (VHRR), CCD cameras for metrological imaging. The satellites also incorporate transponder(s) for receiving distress alert signals for search and rescue missions in the South Asian and Indian Ocean Region, as ISRO is a member of the Cospas-Sarsat programme.
INSAT milestones:
* INSAT 1 Series
o 1A April 10, 1982
o 1B August 30, 1983
o 1C July 21, 1988
o 1D June 12, 1990
* INSAT 2 Series
o 2A July 10, 1992
o 2B July 23, 1993
o 2C December 7, 1995
o 2D June 4, 1997
+ 2DT ARABSAT-1C is acquired and renamed as INSAT-2DT
o 2E April 3, 1999
* INSAT 3 Series
o 3A April 10, 2003
o 3B March 22, 2000
o 3C January 24, 2002
o 3E September 28, 2003
* INSAT 4 Series
o 4A December 22, 2005 (Image & details of the satellite)
o 4B Launched, along with the British military Skynet 5A on Ariane 5, at 22:03 GMT, 11 March 2007.
o 4C (destroyed during liftoff)
o 4D (Spare)
o 4E
o 4F
o 4G/GSAT-8
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