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You're a mother

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"

Not a dead Zen master

A samurai once asked Zen Master Hakuin where he would go after he died.

Hakuin answered, "How am I supposed to know?"

"How do you know? You're a Zen master?" exclaimed the samurai.

"Yes, but not a dead one," Hakuin answered.

Double negatives

An English teacher was lecturing his class on the use of double negatives:

“In English,” he said, “a double negative will form a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.”

“However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative.”

A loud voice from the back of the room spoke up, “Yeah, right.”

Curtain for monitor

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.” The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, “seventeen inches.”

“Seventeen inches???” asks the salesman. “That sounds very small. What room are they for?”

The blonde tells him that they aren’t for a room; they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, “but Miss, computers do not need curtains!”

The blonde says, “Hellllooooooooo, I’ve got Windoooooows!!!!!!!!”

India Win T20 World Cup Final

Johannesburg - India have beaten Pakistan by five runs in the Twenty20 final at the Wanderers on Monday.

No one expected but they did it.

Principles of Life..........

* You would achieve more, if you don't mind who gets the credit.

* When everything else is lost, the future stillremains.

* Don't fight too much. Or the enemy would know your art of war .

* The only job you start at the top is when you dig a grave.

* If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for everything.

* If you do little things well, you'll do big ones better.

* Only thing that comes to you without effort is old age.

* You won't get a second chance to make the first impression .

* Only those who do nothing do not make mistakes.

* Never take a problem to your boss unless you have a solution.

* If you are not failing you're not taking enough risks.

* Don't try to get rid of bad temper by losing it.

* If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

* Those who don't make mistakes usually don't make anything

* There are two kinds of failures. Those who think and never do, and
those who do and never think.

* Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.

* All progress has resulted from unpopular decisions.

* Change your thoughts and you change your world.

* Understanding proves intelligence, not the speed of the learning.

* There are two kinds of fools in this world. Those who give advise
and those who don't take it.

* The best way to kill an idea is to take it to a meeting.

* Management is doing things right. Leadership is doing the right
things.

* Friendship founded on business is always better than business
founded on friendship

One kiss per yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world.

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most tacky, rude, crude, gross and disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It’s official: I am the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"

Me and my Boss

ME and MY BOSS :-)



When I do good, **
my boss never remembers,* *
When I do wrong,* *
he never forgets*

When I Take a long time to finish, **
I am slow,* *
When my boss takes a long time, **
He is thorough**


When I don't do it, **
I am lazy,**
When my boss does not do it,* *
he is busy,**

When I do something without being told, **
I am trying to* *
be smart,* *
When my boss does the same, **
he takes the initiative,* *
*
*

When I please my boss, **
I am apple polishing,* *
When my boss pleases his boss, **
he is cooperating,*

*

When I make a mistake, **
you're an idiot.* *
When my boss makes a mistake, **
he's only human.*

*

When I am out of the office, **
I am wondering around.* *
When my boss is out of the office, **
he's on business.*

*

When I am on a day off sick, **
I am always sick.* *
When my boss is a day off sick, **
he must be very ill. *

*

When I apply for leave, **
I must be going for an **
interview* *
When my boss applies for leave, **
it's because he's **
overworked*

Teen Commandments

1. Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)
2. Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3. Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Wal-Mart has a bigger selection)
4. Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)
5. Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)
6. Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)
7. Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)
8. Thou shall not wear revealing clothes in class.
( Hooters pays more)
9. Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")
10. Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave 'em in the middle)

Little Johnny's new baby brother

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.

He asked his mom, “Where'd we get him?”

His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”

Johnny says, “WOW! I can see why they threw him out!”

Hearing problem

Bubba goes to a revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

To the preacher's surprise, Bubba gets in line.

It takes awhile, but Bubba is very patient. When it's his turn the preacher says, "It's been a long time since you came in, Bubba."

Bubba simply nods.

The preacher says. "What you want me to pray about?"

Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.

After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "OK, Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

"I don't know preacher," Bubba says. "It's not until next Wednesday."