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The missing cigarette pack

A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo the break continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.

At the end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house calls out "Have you seen my parakeet?"

I forgot her name three years ago

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner.

Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

No woman can get ready in ten minutes

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

Integrating Emoticons/Smileys in Gmail chat and Google Talk

Emoticons/Smileys are a good source of entertainment while chatting

This is the list of emoticons/smileys that should work inside Gmail Chat.Unlike any other messenger,these graphics are animated out of simple text to make it attractive

Note::These graphics would be available only to the person who is chatting inside Gmail.Not for those using Google Talk

Emoticon
Key Combination

Heart!
<3>

It's a monkey!
:(|)

Rock out.
\m/

Shout!
:-o

show your teeth
:D

Sadistic
:(

Crying
x-(

Cool
B-)

Tears
:'(

laughing
=D

tricky
;)

sorrow
:-|

smile
=)

teeth!
:-D

tip
;^)

tricky!?!
;-)

lol
:-)

about to..
:-/

small laugh
:P

P.S. Don't get confused... These emoticons/smileys are for chatting only and will not work when integrated inside a mail.

Most economical car



Cheap to run, no speeding tickets and definitely no fuel required.

20 funniest one liners

1. Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
5. I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.
6. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
7. Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.
8. If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!
9. I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.
10. Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.
11. I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters."
12. Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
13. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
14. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
15. I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
16. "No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."
17. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."
18. "How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
19. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
20. On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

What's this place called?

Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.

"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque
rustic charms for a short spell ?"

Why you can’t send a woman to a hardware store?

Earl was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Carl was finished, Mary asked “How much for the teapot?”

Carl replied, “That’s silver and it costs $300!”

“My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!” Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Earl had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Carl yelled, “Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?”

Mary replied, “No, but I will for the teapot.”

Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago.”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that Ihave learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well, she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

50 pranks to play at a Mall

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk really slow, especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10”.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who buys this crap, anyway?”
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.”
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”
20. Put M&M’s on layaway.
21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “…I’m Batman. Come, Robin—to the Batcave!”
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?”
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible.
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”
41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: “Marco Polo.”
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

Why women use more words?

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."

Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.

The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."

The husband said "What?"

Breast enlargement therapy

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.

“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.

The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”

The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?”

Pea thief

Back before Bill Clinton was elected Governor of Arkansas, he and Hillary lived in a little trailer in suburban Hot Springs. Times were tough, so to make ends meet, Hillary took up shoplifting.

It wasn't too long until Hillary was caught looting the Piggly Wiggly and brought before an especially harsh judge, known for his creative brand of sentencing.

"What, Mrs. Clinton, did you steal from the Piggly Wiggly?" asked the judge.

"Just one jar of peaches" replied the future Senator from New York.

"And how many peaches were in this jar?" the judge probed further.

"Six" answered Hillary.

The judge studied the matter for what seemed like an eternity and raising his gavel, finally gave the sentence, "That will be six days in jail. One for each piece of fruit in that jar!"

But before he could bang the matter closed, Bill Clinton stood and asked, "May I say something of relevance to this case Your Honor?"

"I suppose it wouldn't hurt nothing." said the judge.

"She stole a jar of peas, too!"

Pranks on pets



Practical Jokes On Animals - video powered by Metacafe

The before and after personality

“I’m Jim.”

“Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??”

“Sure!” replies Jim, “Let’s go!”

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey’s desk. “Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk,” Jim says.

“Yes? And what about it?” asks Stacey.

“Is it your brother?”

“No, it isn’t, Jim!” Stacey giggles. Jim’s eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey’s husband.

When he finally asks, “Is it your husband?”

Stacey giggles even more, “No, silly!” Jim was relieved.

“Then, it must be your boyfriend!”

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim’s ear. She says, “No, silly!!”

“Then, who is it?” Jim asks.

Stacey replies, “That’s me BEFORE my operation!!”

Can I phone a friend?

A husband and wife are watching “KBC” and the husband winks and says, “Honey, let’s go upstairs…”

The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.

So the husband says, “Is that your final answer?”

The wife says yes.

The husband says, “Well, can I phone a friend?”

Children at work

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Mr. Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."

"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt, "So, what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin'?"

Nip them in the bud

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.

While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears the whistle, "Whooee Whoee!" but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit -- but only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened, and asks the man from the desert, "Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"

Fish which couldn't swim

A man went camping in the Reservoir as he had many times before. But he noticed something different this time when he began fishing. There were no bites on his line at all. He headed over to the local market to get some new bait, and the shopkeeper gave him some advice.

"Don't even bother buying any bait," said the shopkeeper

"Why's that?" questioned the man.

"There ain't no fish 'round here no more. We had a freak flood come through and wipe them all out."

"But how would a flood wipe out the fish?" wondered the man.

"There ain't never been no water 'round here, so the fish never learned to swim."

It's So Hot That...

The birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.

The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

You know asphalt has a liquid state.

Solitaire in desert

A Scoutmaster was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scoutmaster.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scoutmaster impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!'"

She is so blond that...

...she tripped over a cordless phone.

...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"

...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".

...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

...she tried to drown a fish.

...she thought a quarterback was a refund.

...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".

Bologna hating blond

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blonde opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the triple funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexicans wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He always made his own lunch."

Symptoms of a bad day

… your twin sister forgets your birthday.

… you wake up face down on the pavement.

… you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

… you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

… you see a “60 Minutes news team” waiting in your outer office.

… your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

… your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.

… you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren’t any.

… you turn on the TV news and they’re displaying emergency routes out of your city.

… the woman you’ve been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.