A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep" the wife replied, "in-laws".
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Dumbest Deaths in History
How Not To Die: The Dumbest Deaths in Recorded History
Attila the Hun:
One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's
army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD--from Mongolia
to the edge of the Russian Empire--by destroying villages
and pillaging the countryside.
How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night
In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico.
Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield,
he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets.
On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose,
gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the
night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to
notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead
the next morning.
--------------------
Tycho Brahe:
An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century.
His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton
to come up with the theory of gravity.
How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time
In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to
leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe,
known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition
-- but failed to relieve himself before the banquet
started. He made matters worse by drinking too much
at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused.
His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully
over the next 11 days.
--------------------
Horace Wells:
Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s
How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide.
While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia
research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848
he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric
acid. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform
for his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high before
the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his
cell. He'd anaesthetized himself with chloroform and
slashed open his thigh with a razor.
--------------------
Francis Bacon:
One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century.
A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist,
he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's
plays.
How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken.
One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm
and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow
could be used to preserve meat in the same way that
salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased
a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then,
standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the
chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never
froze, but Bacon did.
--------------------
Jerome Irving Rodale:
Founding father of the organic food movement, creator
of "Organic Farming and Gardening" magazine, and founder
of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.
How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show", while discussing
the benefits of organic foods.
Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless
I'm run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only
72 when he appeared on the "Dick Cavett Show" in January
1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead
in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show
was never aired.
--------------------
Aeschylus:
A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider
him the father of Greek tragedies.
How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head
According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and
attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks.
An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head for a rock (he was
bald) and dropped it on him instead.
--------------------
Jim Fixx:
Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running,"
which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.
How he died: A heart attack....while jogging
Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked
out of his house and began jogging. He'd only gone a
short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy
revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged,
another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked....and
that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior
to his death.
--------------------
And finally there's Lully, one of our favorite 16th-
century composers, who wrote music for the king of France.
While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating
time with his staff, and drove it right through his
foot. He died of infection.
Attila the Hun:
One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's
army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD--from Mongolia
to the edge of the Russian Empire--by destroying villages
and pillaging the countryside.
How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night
In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico.
Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield,
he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets.
On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose,
gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the
night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to
notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead
the next morning.
--------------------
Tycho Brahe:
An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century.
His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton
to come up with the theory of gravity.
How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time
In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to
leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe,
known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition
-- but failed to relieve himself before the banquet
started. He made matters worse by drinking too much
at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused.
His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully
over the next 11 days.
--------------------
Horace Wells:
Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s
How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide.
While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia
research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848
he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric
acid. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform
for his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high before
the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his
cell. He'd anaesthetized himself with chloroform and
slashed open his thigh with a razor.
--------------------
Francis Bacon:
One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century.
A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist,
he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's
plays.
How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken.
One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm
and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow
could be used to preserve meat in the same way that
salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased
a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then,
standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the
chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never
froze, but Bacon did.
--------------------
Jerome Irving Rodale:
Founding father of the organic food movement, creator
of "Organic Farming and Gardening" magazine, and founder
of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.
How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show", while discussing
the benefits of organic foods.
Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless
I'm run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only
72 when he appeared on the "Dick Cavett Show" in January
1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead
in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show
was never aired.
--------------------
Aeschylus:
A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider
him the father of Greek tragedies.
How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head
According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and
attempt to crack them open by dropping them on rocks.
An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head for a rock (he was
bald) and dropped it on him instead.
--------------------
Jim Fixx:
Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running,"
which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.
How he died: A heart attack....while jogging
Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked
out of his house and began jogging. He'd only gone a
short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy
revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged,
another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked....and
that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior
to his death.
--------------------
And finally there's Lully, one of our favorite 16th-
century composers, who wrote music for the king of France.
While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating
time with his staff, and drove it right through his
foot. He died of infection.
Stupid Famous Quotes
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people" -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"It's like deja vu all over again." -Yogi Berra
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -A congressional candidate in Texas
"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody." - Richard M. Nixon
"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." -Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." -Everett Dirksen
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -Samuel Goldwyn
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. " -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -General William Westmoreland
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." -Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"It's like deja vu all over again." -Yogi Berra
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -A congressional candidate in Texas
"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody." - Richard M. Nixon
"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." -Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." -Everett Dirksen
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -Samuel Goldwyn
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. " -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." - Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -General William Westmoreland
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
The Devoted Wife
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What, my dear?" she asked gently.
"You're a goddamn jinx!"
Four Letter Word Surgery
Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm OK but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
Proposing!
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You`re wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I`ve been working in the bank where your father has his account.
Dead Politicians
Busload of politicians was driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, they were ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, they were ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
1) Great..........................................Fa Kin Su Pah
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive..................Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP....................................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.....................................Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse....................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?.......................Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table...................Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift...................Chin Tu Fat
9) It is very dark in here........................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet..................Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week........Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight..........................Lei ing Lo
14) He is cleaning his automobile.................Wa Shing Ka
15) That is not right.............................Sum Ting Wong
16) Your body odour is offensive..................Yu Stin Ki Pu
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive..................Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP....................................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man.....................................Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse....................................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach?.......................Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table...................Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift...................Chin Tu Fat
9) It is very dark in here........................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet..................Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week........Wai Yu Kum Nao
13) Staying out of sight..........................Lei ing Lo
14) He is cleaning his automobile.................Wa Shing Ka
15) That is not right.............................Sum Ting Wong
16) Your body odour is offensive..................Yu Stin Ki Pu
Why It's Better To Be A Man?
Why Men Are Happier Than Women
1. We keep our last name.
2. The garage is all ours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. We can be president.
6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
8. The world is our urinal.
9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. Wedding dress - Rs.30,000; tux rental - Rs.500.
13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.
14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
16. One mood, ALL the time.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18. We know stuff about tanks.
19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
20. We can open all our own jars.
21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
23. Our underwear is Rs.150 for a three-pack.
24. Everything on our face stays its original color.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
27. We almost never have strap problems in public.
28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
30. We don't have to shave below our neck.
31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.
34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
35. We can do Diwali shopping for 25 relatives, in 45 minutes.
1. We keep our last name.
2. The garage is all ours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. We can be president.
6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
8. The world is our urinal.
9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. Wedding dress - Rs.30,000; tux rental - Rs.500.
13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.
14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
16. One mood, ALL the time.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18. We know stuff about tanks.
19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
20. We can open all our own jars.
21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
23. Our underwear is Rs.150 for a three-pack.
24. Everything on our face stays its original color.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
27. We almost never have strap problems in public.
28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
30. We don't have to shave below our neck.
31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.
34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
35. We can do Diwali shopping for 25 relatives, in 45 minutes.
Did Santa Get It For You?
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Hide-N-Seek
A blonde, brunette, and red head snuck into a barn late in the night. In the morning they heard the farmer starting up his tracker. Frightened, the 3 girl hid behind things in the barn. The red head hid behind the cows, the brunette hid behind the pigs, and the blonde hid behind the sacks of potatoes. The farmer walked into the barn. "Hey there cows" said the farmer. The red head went moooooooo. "Hey there pigs" said the farmer. The brunette went oink oink oink. "Hey there are my potatoes" said the farmer. The blonde went POTATOE! POTATOE!
Christmas Carols for the Disturbed
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - Can I have a chocolate? Why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - Can I have a chocolate? Why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Stupid People
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
-------------------------
A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
-------------------------
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
-------------------------
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
-------------------------
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
-------------------------
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
-------------------------
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
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Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
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When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
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A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
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A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
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A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.
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The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
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A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
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Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.
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A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
-------------------------
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
-------------------------
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
-------------------------
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.
Taste Test
A teacher was having a tasting day where she would put candy in the kids' mouth and they would guess what it was. She went to the first little boy and put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth.
"Can you guess what it is?"
"I don't know," said the boy.
"I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every morning."
The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of ass."
"Can you guess what it is?"
"I don't know," said the boy.
"I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every morning."
The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of ass."
Student of Butcher School
A butcher just out of trade school, applies for and gets, a job in North- West America, skinning and cutting up the kills of local hunters. The first job he gets is to cut up a moose to put in the freezer. He finally gets the moose cut up and is putting it into bags and marking them with the contents - chops, rump steak, ribs, sirloin, etc. When he finishes with the stuff he knows, he is left with a pile of unidentifiable parts. At a loss as to what to do with them, he finally puts them all into one bag and labels them......moosellanious.
How to start your day with a positive outlook?
Open a new file in your PC.
Name it as "Boss".
Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"
Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
Feel better? Have A Nice Day.
Name it as "Boss".
Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"
Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
Feel better? Have A Nice Day.
Football Teams of last 40 Years
Hanging in the hallway at one high school are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year -- "62-63," "63-64," "64-65," etc. One day a new student was looking at the pictures, and was heard to enguire, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"
Toilet Facilities
The story is told of a lady who was rather old fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation to Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE, but when she wrote that down, she thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the "BC". "Does the campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't figure out what the lady meant either. So, the campground owner finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the lady. Upon reading his letter, and with great shock, the lady quickly decided not to got to that campground. The letter is as follows...
"Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
"It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous; even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.
I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks (remember, this is a friendly community)."
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE, but when she wrote that down, she thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the "BC". "Does the campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't figure out what the lady meant either. So, the campground owner finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the lady. Upon reading his letter, and with great shock, the lady quickly decided not to got to that campground. The letter is as follows...
"Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
"It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous; even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.
I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks (remember, this is a friendly community)."
Discoveries and Inventions by Men And Women
Men discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
Women discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
Men discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
Women discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
Men discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
Women discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.
Men discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
Women discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
Men discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
Women discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
Men discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
Women discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.
Thereafter Men have discovered and invented a lot of things...
While Women STUCK to shopping.
Women discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
Men discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
Women discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
Men discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
Women discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.
Men discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
Women discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
Men discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
Women discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
Men discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
Women discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.
Thereafter Men have discovered and invented a lot of things...
While Women STUCK to shopping.
Snow White and her camera
Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of all the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished the first batch, she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
She was very disappointed and started to cry.
The clerk, tried to console her and said, "Don't worry. Some day your prints will come."
She was very disappointed and started to cry.
The clerk, tried to console her and said, "Don't worry. Some day your prints will come."
Two psychiartists and a lift
Two psychiartists with offices in the same building rode the elevator together every morning. Each day the elevator operator would watch in amazement as one of the psychiatrists spit in th other's face, while the victim did nothing in return. Finally the operator stopped the second man after the other had exited and said, "Excuse me, sir, but for three years now I've been watching as that other man spits in your face every day. I just have to ask why you don't ever do anything about it." "Well," said the shrink, "it's *his* problem."
Stolen toilets
Somebody broke into police headquarters and stole all the toilets. Detectives say they have nothing to go on.
How to Kiss without touching
Said John to Mary, "I'll bet you ten cents I can kiss you on the lips without touching them."
"You're crazy," said Mary. "That's impossible. Here's a dime that says you can't."
The two dimes were placed on the mantelpiece and John then enfolded Mary and for ten minutes kissed her passionately, intimately, and moistly. She broke away at last, panting and disheveled, and said, "You did nothing BUT touch my lips."
John pushed the dimes toward her and said, "So I lose."
"You're crazy," said Mary. "That's impossible. Here's a dime that says you can't."
The two dimes were placed on the mantelpiece and John then enfolded Mary and for ten minutes kissed her passionately, intimately, and moistly. She broke away at last, panting and disheveled, and said, "You did nothing BUT touch my lips."
John pushed the dimes toward her and said, "So I lose."
The Air Conditioner Problem
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; First, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
The Best Monk
A man in the middle ages became fed up with humanity and decided to spend the rest of his life in a monastery. The abbot warned him that he would have to take a vow of silence and live the rest of his life as a scribe, to which the man replied, "No Problem. I'm sick of talking."
Ten years went by, and the abbot called for the man. He told him that he was a model monk and perfect scribe, and that they were very happy to have him. As per their tradition, he was allowed to say two words. Asked if he had anything to say, the man nodded and said: "Food cold."
The abbot sent him on his way. Ten years later, he was brought before the abbot again and once again told how pleased they were with his performance, and that he was again allowed two more words if he so chose. The man said: "Bed hard," and was sent back to work. Another ten years went by and again the abbot sent for the man, telling him that he was the best monk they had ever had, and that he was allowed another two words. The man nodded and said: "I quit."
To this, the abbot replied in a disgusted tone: "Doesn't surprise me. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Ten years went by, and the abbot called for the man. He told him that he was a model monk and perfect scribe, and that they were very happy to have him. As per their tradition, he was allowed to say two words. Asked if he had anything to say, the man nodded and said: "Food cold."
The abbot sent him on his way. Ten years later, he was brought before the abbot again and once again told how pleased they were with his performance, and that he was again allowed two more words if he so chose. The man said: "Bed hard," and was sent back to work. Another ten years went by and again the abbot sent for the man, telling him that he was the best monk they had ever had, and that he was allowed another two words. The man nodded and said: "I quit."
To this, the abbot replied in a disgusted tone: "Doesn't surprise me. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Some Laws Newton forgot
Law of queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, ur nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Bath Theorem: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, ur nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Bath Theorem: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
23rd century the solar system
In the 23rd century the solar system was wracked by constant warring between the fragmented states of the Asteroid Belt. Particularly successful in these wars was one tribe (I'll call them Joes) which managed to total up a surprising war record despite its amazingly primitive weaponry through sheer ferocity.
After having dispatched a fleet from a rival nation (call them Jacks), the Joe general went over to his adversary's flagship to sign a treaty of peace.
After the diplomatic niceties were taken care of, the Jack general (who had been wounded in the previous day's fighting) took a moment of his time to talk shop and mention his injury. Their exchange follows:
Said the Jack general, "What was that laser you sawed me with last night?"
Came the reply, . . . "That was no laser--that was my knife!"
After having dispatched a fleet from a rival nation (call them Jacks), the Joe general went over to his adversary's flagship to sign a treaty of peace.
After the diplomatic niceties were taken care of, the Jack general (who had been wounded in the previous day's fighting) took a moment of his time to talk shop and mention his injury. Their exchange follows:
Said the Jack general, "What was that laser you sawed me with last night?"
Came the reply, . . . "That was no laser--that was my knife!"
Roger's Cookie
Roger Winslow was very thin because he was so afraid to spend money for food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune. The grandfather died but all he left Roger was a cookie. They came to Roger looking for the fortune but couldn't find it because it had disappeared into thin heir.
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