Back before Bill Clinton was elected Governor of Arkansas, he and Hillary lived in a little trailer in suburban Hot Springs. Times were tough, so to make ends meet, Hillary took up shoplifting.
It wasn't too long until Hillary was caught looting the Piggly Wiggly and brought before an especially harsh judge, known for his creative brand of sentencing.
"What, Mrs. Clinton, did you steal from the Piggly Wiggly?" asked the judge.
"Just one jar of peaches" replied the future Senator from New York.
"And how many peaches were in this jar?" the judge probed further.
"Six" answered Hillary.
The judge studied the matter for what seemed like an eternity and raising his gavel, finally gave the sentence, "That will be six days in jail. One for each piece of fruit in that jar!"
But before he could bang the matter closed, Bill Clinton stood and asked, "May I say something of relevance to this case Your Honor?"
"I suppose it wouldn't hurt nothing." said the judge.
"She stole a jar of peas, too!"
The before and after personality
“I’m Jim.”
“Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??”
“Sure!” replies Jim, “Let’s go!”
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey’s desk. “Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk,” Jim says.
“Yes? And what about it?” asks Stacey.
“Is it your brother?”
“No, it isn’t, Jim!” Stacey giggles. Jim’s eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey’s husband.
When he finally asks, “Is it your husband?”
Stacey giggles even more, “No, silly!” Jim was relieved.
“Then, it must be your boyfriend!”
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim’s ear. She says, “No, silly!!”
“Then, who is it?” Jim asks.
Stacey replies, “That’s me BEFORE my operation!!”
“Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??”
“Sure!” replies Jim, “Let’s go!”
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey’s desk. “Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk,” Jim says.
“Yes? And what about it?” asks Stacey.
“Is it your brother?”
“No, it isn’t, Jim!” Stacey giggles. Jim’s eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey’s husband.
When he finally asks, “Is it your husband?”
Stacey giggles even more, “No, silly!” Jim was relieved.
“Then, it must be your boyfriend!”
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim’s ear. She says, “No, silly!!”
“Then, who is it?” Jim asks.
Stacey replies, “That’s me BEFORE my operation!!”
Can I phone a friend?
A husband and wife are watching “KBC” and the husband winks and says, “Honey, let’s go upstairs…”
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, “Is that your final answer?”
The wife says yes.
The husband says, “Well, can I phone a friend?”
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, “Is that your final answer?”
The wife says yes.
The husband says, “Well, can I phone a friend?”
Children at work
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Mr. Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt, "So, what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin'?"
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt, "So, what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin'?"
Nip them in the bud
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears the whistle, "Whooee Whoee!" but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit -- but only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened, and asks the man from the desert, "Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"
While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears the whistle, "Whooee Whoee!" but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit -- but only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened, and asks the man from the desert, "Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small!"
Fish which couldn't swim
A man went camping in the Reservoir as he had many times before. But he noticed something different this time when he began fishing. There were no bites on his line at all. He headed over to the local market to get some new bait, and the shopkeeper gave him some advice.
"Don't even bother buying any bait," said the shopkeeper
"Why's that?" questioned the man.
"There ain't no fish 'round here no more. We had a freak flood come through and wipe them all out."
"But how would a flood wipe out the fish?" wondered the man.
"There ain't never been no water 'round here, so the fish never learned to swim."
"Don't even bother buying any bait," said the shopkeeper
"Why's that?" questioned the man.
"There ain't no fish 'round here no more. We had a freak flood come through and wipe them all out."
"But how would a flood wipe out the fish?" wondered the man.
"There ain't never been no water 'round here, so the fish never learned to swim."
It's So Hot That...
The birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
You know asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
You know asphalt has a liquid state.
Solitaire in desert
A Scoutmaster was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scoutmaster.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scoutmaster impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!'"
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scoutmaster.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scoutmaster impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!'"
She is so blond that...
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she tried to drown a fish.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she tried to drown a fish.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.
...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".
Bologna hating blond
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blonde opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
At the triple funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexicans wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He always made his own lunch."
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blonde opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
At the triple funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexicans wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He always made his own lunch."
Symptoms of a bad day
… your twin sister forgets your birthday.
… you wake up face down on the pavement.
… you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
… you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
… you see a “60 Minutes news team” waiting in your outer office.
… your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
… your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
… you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren’t any.
… you turn on the TV news and they’re displaying emergency routes out of your city.
… the woman you’ve been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.
… you wake up face down on the pavement.
… you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
… you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
… you see a “60 Minutes news team” waiting in your outer office.
… your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
… your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
… you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren’t any.
… you turn on the TV news and they’re displaying emergency routes out of your city.
… the woman you’ve been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.
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