Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Laloo Prasad sends his Resume to Microsoft
Laloo Prasad had sent his Resume (CV) to apply for a post in Microsoft Corporation, USA .
A few days later he got this reply:
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence.
No phone call shall be entertained.
Thanks
Bill Gates
Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply.
He arranged a press conference : "Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hai."
Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued...... "Ab hum aap sab ko apnaa appointment Letter padkar sunaongaa ? par letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga..
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ----- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya
You do not meet -----aap to miltay hee naheen ho
our requirement ----- humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any furthur correspondance ----- ab Letter vetter bhejne ka kaouno zaroorat nahee.
No phone call ----- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai
shall be entertained ----- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks ----- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.
Bill Gates. ---- Tohar Bilva.
A few days later he got this reply:
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further correspondence.
No phone call shall be entertained.
Thanks
Bill Gates
Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply.
He arranged a press conference : "Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hai."
Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued...... "Ab hum aap sab ko apnaa appointment Letter padkar sunaongaa ? par letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga..
Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ----- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya
You do not meet -----aap to miltay hee naheen ho
our requirement ----- humko to zaroorat hai
Please do not send any furthur correspondance ----- ab Letter vetter bhejne ka kaouno zaroorat nahee.
No phone call ----- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai
shall be entertained ----- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.
Thanks ----- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.
Bill Gates. ---- Tohar Bilva.
HR = HIGH RISK
After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;
My friend, you have not worked here for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain..
Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. I.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours I.e . 1/3(one third)
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)
Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days.
Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
HR=HIGH RISK
My friend, you have not worked here for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain..
Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366
Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours
Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. I.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours I.e . 1/3(one third)
Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)
Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir
Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.
Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days
Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!
Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!
Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!
Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!
Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days.
Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
HR=HIGH RISK
Chinese Call Center
A Chinese Call center
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me..
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan .. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone ! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree .
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Oh .....God.......
From --
Good Wan! (Good One)
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me..
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan .. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone ! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree .
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Oh .....God.......
From --
Good Wan! (Good One)
The most famous man who ever lived
One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20."
As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20."
As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"
Management & Engineers
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.
"How did you know?"
"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."
The man below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"
She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.
"How did you know?"
"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."
The man below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"
Car or Computer
So Bill Gates and the chairman of GM are arguing over which company is better. Bill Gates boast, "If cars grew in technology as fast as computers did, we would be driving v-32 instead of v-8, our cars would get 5000 miles to the gallon, the top speed would be mach seven. Anyway the sticker price for a car would be 50 dollars."
And which the GM replies, "Sure, but would you really want a car that crashes 4 times a day!"
And which the GM replies, "Sure, but would you really want a car that crashes 4 times a day!"
Husband Replacement
Duck decoys, fishing rods, boots -- outdoor gear of all kinds was piled high in the garage. One day a guy found his wife staring at the mess. "He hope he die first, so he don't have to get rid of all this," she sighed.
"Look on the bright side," he suggested. "If I go first, you can put an ad in the paper. When all the men come by to check out the stuff, you can pick out a replacement for me."
Still staring at the pile, she said, "Nah. He wouldn't be my type."
"Look on the bright side," he suggested. "If I go first, you can put an ad in the paper. When all the men come by to check out the stuff, you can pick out a replacement for me."
Still staring at the pile, she said, "Nah. He wouldn't be my type."
Doorbell
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
When was the longest day in the Bible?
When was the longest day in the Bible?
The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.
The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.
English class bloopers
Once I tripped all the way to Hawaii.
I like to visit small European tongues.
How far should I tip the driver?
She was so kind. She rode me all the way to the airport!
I hugged my girlfriend and then I defarted.
I think almost every hotel in America has a big swimming fool.
I like to visit small European tongues.
How far should I tip the driver?
She was so kind. She rode me all the way to the airport!
I hugged my girlfriend and then I defarted.
I think almost every hotel in America has a big swimming fool.
What is democracy?
"Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties. ...Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto -- usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money. ... Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. ... And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head -- this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle." - Johnny Carson
Johnny Carson: Funny quotes
"Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president."
"Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'"
"There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan's advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in."
"Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair."
"He doesn't dye his hair, he bleaches his face." -on Ronald Reagan
"That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford -- an actor and a stuntman."
"You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?"
"Read my lips: No new promises." -on George H.W. Bush
On Jimmy Carter: Carson as Carnac the Magnificent held up the envelope to his head, divined the answer -- "Yes and no, pro and con, for and against" -- opened the envelope and said, "Describe Jimmy Carter's position on three major issues."
"Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?"
"Only lie about the future." -giving advice to politicians
"Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'"
"There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan's advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in."
"Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair."
"He doesn't dye his hair, he bleaches his face." -on Ronald Reagan
"That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford -- an actor and a stuntman."
"You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?"
"Read my lips: No new promises." -on George H.W. Bush
On Jimmy Carter: Carson as Carnac the Magnificent held up the envelope to his head, divined the answer -- "Yes and no, pro and con, for and against" -- opened the envelope and said, "Describe Jimmy Carter's position on three major issues."
"Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?"
"Only lie about the future." -giving advice to politicians
A liberal and the conservatives
A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?"
The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune."
The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share."
The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?"
"I would like a new sports car."
"O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?"
"I'd like a million dollars."
"O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?"
"Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune."
The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share."
The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?"
"I would like a new sports car."
"O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?"
"I'd like a million dollars."
"O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?"
"Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
Vat Vas Dat Agin?
Helga was hang the wash out to dry, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
''Gootness, iss hot,'' she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. She passed by a tavern and said, ''Vy nought?'' So she walked into the air conditioning and took a seat at the bar.
"Bartender," she said. "I vill have unt cold beer, please.''
The bartender asked, ''Anheuser Busch?''
''Vell, fine, tanks," she said, "Just unt leetle svetty.''
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